SaħħarFeb 08

Black Metal and Depression

First of all, this is not a sob story, but merely a personal insight into how my mind ticks; might be interesting to some people and helpful to others. Also, this is not a blog article about DSBM, I only dabbled in the sub-sub-genre for less than a handful of tracks, so I am not quite the authority to speak on it anyway.

One of the most frequent questions I get is how I manage to come up with so many albums and tracks. And it’s true, currently, I have 93 original songs published. And that’s not including my other projects or covers or re-recordings. But I like to point out that there are more prolific musicians than me and even more virtuosos. Still, producing such amounts while personally handling almost every aspect of the songs’ production and publishing is challenging and time-consuming. And while relatively easy in the bigger picture, songwriting is no walk in the park either.

For who doesn’t know, I’ve been suffering from depression for quite a while. And I’m not saying it in a wistful pop-culture kind of way either. I was at a point a danger to others, and myself and needed therapy and medicine. Music was always an outlet to channel the burdens of my mind. A distraction if you like, kept the edge off. But life sometimes finds new ways to push you further towards the said edge.

While depression is a disease, it can have varying intensities. I’m no psychiatrist but that’s how I can explain it. Mine reached a breaking point after my then-infant son was rushed to the ER. I collapsed. I was already trying to write music in my little time where he would be sleeping (you know, babies and sleepless nights and all that jazz) but once that incident happened, I blacked out and smashed into post-partum depression. I forgot how to play my instruments, let alone write music.

What was once an outlet to channel my issues disappeared, kind of like a corrupt file on a computer. It’s there but you can’t access it. Most albums were written in a creative burst, leaving the creative downtime to focus on producing and releasing it. But this time there was nothing, even after I commenced medication. SUI medicine does that. I mentioned making music takes the edge off but SUI’s were doing that for me. It’s hard to explain; again, I’m not a psychiatrist, and things were fuzzy.

Eventually, I sat down and grabbed the guitar and started strumming again, to what end I did not know. But I landed on new projects which gave me fresh purpose, and this time I started writing for writing’s sake because the world never has enough music. My post-partum subsided so I weaned off the medication. And while my state of mind is not perfect, never will be but I can somehow say that even despite last year, my family being a literal font of short and long term cheerfulness. nd while it’s less of a crutch than it used to me, music never left my life.

I’m grateful for my followers and even fans for their support. You are a massive push to make me release more music. And hopefully, when this whole pandemic thing subsides, you might even see me hit the stage again. My mind still holds scars, but scars are signs of healing.
I want to give a shout-out to those who stood by me.